hammertoes

WHAT - THE - F

fans,

i want to apologize deeply from my heart for my lack of bloggage as of late. there is no excuse so i'm not even going to try to make one. instead i'm going to spit this freestyle flo-

sorry i ain't blogged
my brainz been fogged
so much to do
aint got time for you
no, but i do
because i love you my blog boo.


alright i hope you accept my apology in the form of lyrical magic. i have not been able to write to you because i spent a major amount of time in the hamptons finishing up work there and then i went straight home to ri for caitlyn and kevin's wedding. it was beautiful, the first wedding i have ever been to. (what?? really?? yes) it was so much fun being in the wedding party - such a first for me on so many levels. the haun and reidy fams are 2 of my favorites and i loved spending time with them all... and friends from years past. i also made some new friends whom i can't wait to become facebook friends with and see at christmas time! i'm sad it's all over - a years worth of anticipation! i miss my friends already.

when i came back my life slapped me in the face. i immediately began babysitting again in the city (always an adjustment) and dove into writing because that friday i had my first ever comedy ROAST. my standup friend Lexi is getting married so a group of us got together to roast her and her fiance, Ryan at the Broadway Comedy Club. i'm no fool i know what you are all thinking... 'christi chiello, at a comedy ROAST? how is she going to be mean to anyone? she couldn't even be mean to a criminal' and it's true - in most cases, i couldn't. however, this was an exception. i got on the stage and called everyone in the audience a dirty mutherfucker which felt great. why? because it immediately established me as a comedy BADASS. a comedy force to be reckoned with. i told some of the funniest and meanest jokes ever and it was really fun for me. basically i'm going to be a hate comedian from now on. (what's a hate comedian? i don't know)

then i saw a bunch of shows and did a few open mics to prepare for my fall return to standup which was last night. i called the show CHRISTI CHIELLO BACK IN THE SADDLE- it was a HUGE success!! i tried out all new material (daring) and lucky for me - and my friends who paid a $12 cover and 2 drink minnie - it paid off because i was brilliant. we had a great crowd and i was with some great comedians. so fun so real. season 2 of my comedy career is going to be big...even bigger than season one which was pretty huge - watch out NEW YORK CITY and BLOGSPOT.COM

my bday is coming up OCT3OCT3OCT3OCT3OCT3OCT3

and i wanted to have my bday party at the bourgeois pig downtown. because it's BOMB DOT COM. so i called the swank... lounge? i guess... and this is how it went down:

C- hi is this the BP?
BP- yes
(it's important to pay attention to the detail in my stories)
C- hi. my name is christi and i'm a huge fan of your establishment. i go there all the time - it's my favorite place in NYC
BP - Oh (not at all interested)
C- ..... but i can't remember for the life of me....do you guys have like, a private room in the back or anything like that?
BP - (wanting to kill herself) no we don't
C-ohh.. bummer. do you take reservations??
BP - (getting the rope ready for her hanging) no we don't
C - oooh brutal. you see my birthday is coming up and i really wanted to have a party the BP - so there's basically no accommodations that could be made??
BP - well.... (a spark of interest?) you could rent out the room
C - (knowing full well that i could never afford to rent out an ANYTHING but playing along because for all this bitch knows i'm a fuckin gossip girl) oh, really?? amazing. let's see.. how much are we talking for maybe a 4 -hour rental?
BP- it depends on the night...
C- oh, right. let's say fri or sat
BP -oh! well for 4 hours on a fri or sat it could cost you anywhere from 15 to 20 grand
C- (~!@#$%^&*()!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) ohhhh... not bad... i see... oh that's great! just to gage, about how much for weeknight?
BP -only 5 to 7 grand.
C- oh alright. (WHAT) well thank you so much. who am i speaking to?
BP - slut
C - oh ok, slut. thank you so much for your help. my name's christi and i am definitely going to be touch with you to make arrangements after i speak with my manager. thanks.


ok so her name wasn't slut
and i don't have a manager
was that for real?? what i SHOULD have said had i really been on point with my improv skills and not so into my burger at the time - was "oh just let me call my sister marykate and we'll see if we can work something out" that would have been BAD.ASS. shouldacouldawoulda

i bought nike airmaxs. LET'S TALK ABOUT IT - they're the coolest kicks ever. i bought them at a store called HOTSPOT (right?) in the heights noless.... the most appropriate place to buy your nikes. are they real? idk. but they are black and white and they look like composition paper... they have the lines and everything. so cute and so fitting. they are junior shoes too- i had to get them i in the biggest size they have for my hammertoes! they made their comedy premier last night at the BCC and they definitely got an honorable mention from me on the stage.

well when i start blogging about my shoes you know it's time for me to go.

would it be too much if i told you i loved you???

always too much,
christi chiello